dragonsdogmafandomcom-20200223-history
User blog:True Aranel/Dragon's Derpma (Discontinued)
It all started one day. I woke up and it was kind of late, like maybe brunch time. I was following these two weird kids who I still don't know the heck they belong to. Cause they didn't belong to my cousin, who loves me, because that's ok in our village. Yeah, we're in the southern kingdom. Anyway, the two kids; maybe they were ghosts. So I was following these kids, and then I came across some man-eagle hybrid yelling about a dragon. He actually just had a big nose, but the way he was squawking definitely gave the impression of a bird. He was here to enlist fishermen, (who had never fought in their lives, and can't even go fishing anyway, because the water kills us), to fight a dragon. He wasn't the smartest bird I'd ever met. He should have recruited bandits, honestly. Or pawns, why didn't anyone think of this? So, no sooner does this guy mention the dragon then BAM! There it is. Challenge accepted, I thought. Imagine how popular I would be if I could kill that thing. The ladies would love me (there's like three of them), I could get all the free fish I want, and I could totally sell its corpse parts for money. Then I could buy stuff. Hell yeah, I thought. So I pick up the sword of one of Eagleman's lackeys, who got burned, or crushed, or ran away or whatever. I'm charging this dragon, like, "Hyah, mutha-" Suddenly I feel very weightless. My newfound ability to fly will most likely aid in my fight against the dragon. But no sooner am I airborn than I feel something large and hard hit me in the back. "Hey, screw you ground!" I say, as I attempt to get up. It seems the ground did a rather good job of catching me, because it's still holding on. So now the dragon's above me, and I figure, "Well, I'll just fight it laying down, it's not a thing." This was a temporary lapse in judgement on my part. I'd neglected to notice that the dragon is much larger than me. The dragon proceeds to rip out my tasty insides, which I didn't really need anyway, I could probably buy more. He starts speaking spanish or something, and then he EATS MY HEART. All in all, not a bad day. Which was soon followed by another. In fact, the next day came instantly, because cutscenes work that way. So I'm laying on a bed, no one bothered to change my ripped-to-shit clothes, and they're even gossipping about me in the next room over. Not only that, I had to share my room with two complete strangers, and there was no T.V. At this point, the spanish dragon is speaking to me again, but since he's a smart dragon, he picked up on the fact that I don't know spanish, and started speaking english. He tells me to take up arms, but I don't really need any more of those, it's guts that I'm missing, you took them, remember dragon? I ignore him, but I do notice that there's some weapons sitting on a table, because who doesn't leave rusty old weapons around people that are trying to rest and heal from their mortal wounds? There's also a change of clothes, so I snag those. I figured I was pretty good at using swords already, I mean, I fought a DRAGON. So I pick up the staff, drop my nasty old clothes onto one of the hobos or whatever that was sharing my room, and then proceed out into the great, wide open world. It was around this time, (or maybe when I read the wiki page), that I learned a bit more about my encounter with Senor Dragon. When he took my guts, I became one of these legendary dudes, an Arisen. They're super powerful and can get power levels that are upwards of 9000, whereas normy peeps, (like fishermen), can't even top 20. I was reborn. I had a chance to become so much more than a fisherman who can't fish because we disintegrate when we go swimming. I could be a hero, or maybe just a mercenary. I could probably become an actor in an erotic movie if I could find the Silk Lingerie. There were so many possibilities. I had become an Arisen. An immortal being of limitless potential. Goblins and rabbits alike fell effortlessly before me. I spent my days heroicly slaughtering harmless birds, and seducing men, women, and children by dragging them different places for whatever reason. I also met this chess dude, or maybe he was of the giant legendary bird variety. There had certainly been a lot of bird people walking around lately. Anyway, me and this guy are adventure bros from the minute we meet. It was probably the time I spent with Chess-Bird-Guy that really opened my eyes. I truly began to understand what it meant to be alive, especially given my recent death. I began to appreciate life in all it's many forms, so that was probably why I cried a little when I threw Chess-Bird-Guy off a cliff. But now is when I meet my lady. I thought really hard about what kind of woman I would buy after my rematch with the dragon, and just when my blood vessels were about to burst, this adorable woman pops out of some kinda universe cloud that I figure rolled in when I was concentrating. It was at that moment that I decided I would get along with her better than Chess-Bird-Guy. This annoying guy that yells a lot interrupted our intimate moment, though, and told me we need to learn to work together. I thought, "Forget working, I realized when I met Universe-Cloud-Lady that I would live for LOVE, and nothing else!" Of course, I don't say this, because I don't want to get on Yelling Guy's bad side. He makes us move crates full of dirty underwear, but I don't know what that has to do with teamwork. He probably realized I was catching on, so he made us break stuff instead. Me and Universe-Cloud-Lady pretty much wrecked it up, not to brag or anything. Then this lady with a car name tells me I should sleep with her. I figure since me and Universe-Cloud-Lady only just met, one last fling would be ok before I devote myself wholely to her. When I wake up, it's like, crazy late again. I need to get back on a regular sleeping schedule. There was also a snake guy, but that was a minor thing. Car Lady wants me to go with her to the capital, and it's getting harder to keep my exploits secret from Universe-Cloud-Lady, so we take the Snake Guy, and me, Car Lady, and Universe-Cloud-Lady set off. There were some other dudes, too. Fanboys or something. Car Lady talks a lot during our walk to the Crapital. It gets annoying, especially considering I wasn't really interested in her to begin with. Man, it felt like it took forever. When we get there, Car Lady ABANDONS me, and takes Snake Guy away so she can go live with the Dook. The Dook is some guy that also the fought the dragon, but unlike me, he wasn't very good at it. So he became Dook so that the dragon couldn't bully him anymore. The first thing I find in the Crapital is this creepy dude staring at me. He tells me to wait somewhere at night. Yeah, I bet you want me to bend over, too. Ignoring the creepy guy, I instead talk to that merchant chick that apparently went to my home village a lot. Her name is Maddy. She tells me pretty much nothing interesting, so I leave her to go exploring the Crapital. Everyone keeps telling me to go to the Pawn Guild, I guess I'll check it out. But I have to be careful, cause I figured a pretty pissed off Chess-Bird-Guy would be waiting for me. Universe-Cloud-Lady is pretty irritable. Either it's her time of the month, or she's still mad about Car Lady. I guess it was my fault Snake Guy got taken away. I hope Universe-Cloud-Lady doesn't go to live with the Dook, too. In the Prawn Guild, I meet Barnacles. He's the same as Chess-Bird-Guy and Universe-Cloud-Lady, except he's not ugly, and also not an adorable woman. I forget what he said because I was checking out Universe-Cloud-Lady at the time. Then he tells me I should go jump in a hole. This hurt my feelings, so to stick it to him, I actually did it. At the bottom of the hole, me and Universe-Cloud-Lady are getting felt up by some eyeball tentacles. We decided not to stay too long. Imagine the look on Barnacles' face when I come back from the hole, alive. He was impressed, and said I could borrow as many Prawns as I wanted whenever I wanted. Maybe I'll come back to this Prawn Guild, I thought. This guy that looks like one of my fanboys tells me I should talk to some guy, so that I can get an audience with the Dook. I figure if it's a studio audience, I won't like it very much anyway, so I decide to continue my previous adventures. UPDATE 1, OR LIKE, CHAPTER 2, YOU CAN CALL IT THAT, IF YOU FANCY IT. The first thing I had to do was go back to my home village. Especially since it was the only other town in the game. On my way there, I decide to look around while staying (mainly) on the road. It's getting dark, but I figure it doesn't really matter, since not even dragons can kill me. There are a lot of stray dogs around, growling, and jumping like ninjas and asking for treats. They also keep biting me, cause I mean, I am pretty damn sweet. I do my best to ignore them, kind of like when beggars ask you for your donut right after you walk out of the coffee shop, almost as if they don't realize you went in there to get the donut for yourself because you wanted it. So the Hobo-Dogs don't pose much of a problem, especially since I learned holy magick. I don't even have to aim anymore, so OP. I come across a gap in my path, but since I can levitate, it's no big deal. I don't even levitate, I jump over that like such a boss, even Universe-Cloud-Lady is impressed, even given her terrible mood. But as she begins to clap and cheer, her face turns to one of sheer terror. "GOBLINS, ARISEN!" This strikes me as odd. We'd fought plenty of goblins, I thought they were weak. "What's up wit yoo, Lady? You actin' all cray-cray." "Tis a formidable foe." "What do you mean? They're just goblins," I say. "That's it exactly, THEY'RE GOBLINS," she replies. I remain silent for some time. This prompts further persuasion from Universe-Cloud-Lady, to convince me that goblins are invincible. "Tis not defeat to run from combat, Master, tis survival." "Gurl, I'm stoppin this, they're just gobbles." "They're goblins, Arisen, we'd be better off just killing ourselves. Sometimes you just don't stand a chance in this game, and you have to accept that." I wish the game would stop telling me this, running has never been the only option. Wait a minute, game? No, this is reality, what am I thinking? After dispatching the goblins, it is now well and truly dark, and I soon run out of lantern fuel. I come across a conveniently abandoned chest, which contains some equally convenient oil for my lantern. Then I hear it. It sounds like a dying pig mixed with a living horse. I knew this sound well, because, well, I watched a youtube video, so sue me. It was a cyclops. The cyclops is on me before I can even take out my convenient lantern. So Dying-Pig-Living-Horse-Monster decides it's the perfect time to knock me off the cliff I'm standing on, directly into the ocean, and because no one can swim, I die. This was the end for me... I thought I had come so far. I was beginning to understand the meaning of life, and how to effectively take it away from whoever I wanted, but like a candle in the wind, my life was snuffed out in a bleak and wet instant, as I plunged to the murky depths of both the ocean, and regret. As the light faded from my eyes, I could think only of those that had fallen before me. Chess-Bird-Guy, and Snake Guy were fresh in my mind, almost as the moment they had been alive. But it had been my fault they died, and that was a mistake that could never be changed, and never forgotten. If a life was so fragile, it's no wonder they are so highly valued, and so fiercely protected. If I had something like that to protect, could I be a better person? Would I be the hero the people saw me as? Instead of the villain I had made myself to be? I thought... No, resolved myself to change. If I survived, I would become a champion of the people, with no request unheard, and no wish ungranted. If I could do just those small things, maybe I could atone for my past sins. As I sunk lower into the salty brine, I couldn't help but smile... Then I respawned a while back, and kept murdering peeps. I was not so easily defeated by Dying-Pig-Living-Horse-Monster the second time, as I dangled over the cliff in order to get him to run off of it. Irony is high on my list when choosing a method of dispatchment. I felt thoroughly pleased with myself when I gained two whole levels from the ordeal. This was a good day. SECOND UPDATE, NOT WARRANTING ANOTHER CHAPTER Fast forward to morning. The golden sun rests upon the edge of the world, seemingly balanced that it might fall either way, granting the light that is promised of every day, or plunging the world back into another cruel night, unwarned. The sun rises, its brilliance scattering across the world like ashes in the wind. The suns reflection in the water sends sparks of light dancing through the air, flickering momentarily, before resting finally on the eyes of anyone watching. It was pretty damn annoying. "Sea monsters prowl the shoreline, Arisen," a random interjection by Universe-Cloud-Lady. "I know that, you say it every time we walk by." The real kick comes from the fact that it's always wrong. It seemed liked ages before I finally reached the gates of my home town. Cattardis. I decided the first thing I should do is verify the current world situation. I grab the nearest person and head to the docks, throwing them off. Yep, water still kills us. "Do you suppose dried fish keeps long?" another pointless musing by Universe-Cloud-Lady. "I wouldn't know, all we eat is mushrooms and apples!" She seems confused by my outburst. She does nothing but talk. All the time, about the most pointless things. Do I ever hear anything interesting? Like, "Oh, I heard that there was a hoard of treasure far to the north." or, "Look, I found a sack of money just lying around, let's go waste it somewhere!" No. All I get is useless observations about useless things. "Look, Arisen, it's a wall, it probably used to do something." I shake my head, and make my way to the inn. "Hey... Wutsyurface. Give me double the usual, I need something heavy." "Sure thing, mah boy! Pointless NPC banter!" He walks into the back room, and never comes back. After waiting, I decide I'll just do a quest. Looking at the notice board, I see "Escort Adaro to the Shadow Fort." Well, that can't be too hard. Before I know it, that one really small dude with the square mouth pops up behind me. So me and Universe-Cloud-Lady are escorting Small-Square-Mouth-Dude, taking the usual way. We come across some bandits, which tear the poor guy apart. Guess I'll do that over. The next time we meet the bandits, I take a slightly more tactical approach. Lots of magic. This works. I fling Small-Square-Mouth-Dude off the cliff that blocks our path. He makes it down ok. I slide down after him, only to be instantly surrounded by Lizardmen-not-ripped-off-from-every-other-fantasy-game. I think it was my fault he died this time; I might've accidentally mushed his face a bit while fighting the Lizardmen-not-ripped-off-from-every-other-fantasy-game. It's cool though, the second time through works a bit better. Not two seconds after this, we're attacked by a Chimera. This is fine, I've fought Chimeralz before. I just have to- "LET'S BE RID OF THE TAIL FIRST!" Yes. Why don't you get right on that, and I'll focus on actually killing it. For some reason, my brilliant plan doesn't work. I'd forgotten to account for the fact that Small-Square-Mouth-Dude is made of paper. So he dies. Man, this guy is not having a good day. Second time through, run past the Kimeral. We're up on a cliff now, so we should be safe. Then I hear what sounds like a big rock punching a smaller rock in the face. Come to find, that was exactly what was happening. All the rocks above us were tussling it up, many of them falling down in the process. I should not like to get caught between a literal rock and a hard place, so I decide we should leave. "Run, you morons!" We sprint down the narrow path, rocks tumbling down all around us. I figured we'd be fine as long as we didn't run into any. I turn around just in time to see Universe-Cloud-Lady get hit by a particularly large boulder, knocking her down onto the rocky ground far below us. "We'll never forget your sacrifice!" I yell, as I rush to safety. Then Small-Square-Mouth-Dude falls off anyway. What a jackwagon. Retry number: (insert here). We are finally past all the rocks, but in the distance, I can see something moving. The people only told me to watch out for worms! Not dragons! Ah, it's cool, I've fought dragons before. Still, I'm getting sick of dragging this guy around everywhere, so I'll just run past it. The dragon don't even care, he might've been a honey badger, come to think of it. Me and Small-Square-Mouth-Dude are running through the forest, the Shadow Fart is in sight, and there's no annoying cutscenes. Brilliant. Then for whatever reason, like 50 gobbles show up. "The Shadow Fort, twas erected to ward off goblin invasion." "Well it friggin failed, didn't it!?" Poor Small-Square-Mouth-Dude is torn to pieces for the (insert number here) time today. This continues for several attempts. "That's it. I swear to you, Small-Square-Mouth-Dude, that you will never have to worry about being killed by gobbles again. It's me you have to worry about now," I say, chucking him off a cliff onto a conveniently placed ledge. I rush to the Shadow Fart, ignoring Honey-Dragons and Gobbles alike. When I reach the Fart, I just tell Small-Square-Mouth-dude to follow. Sure enough, he comes limping in from the far end of the screen. I had succeeded. Then I remembered that I didn't have any teleport crystals. I instantly begin searching for a nearby explosive barrel, but no sooner do I locate one than Small-Square-Mouth-Dude hacks up a small blue stone, and hands it to me. I in turn, hand it to Universe-Cloud-Lady, who takes us back to the Crapital. I'm done with escorting peeps. UPDATE THREE, OR LIKE, CHAPTER, I DON'T KNOW When I arrive in the Crapital, I decide now is probably a good time to talk to Maxim-Something-Guy about an audience with the Dook. Come to find, he does not wield the Stellar Sword, nor is he a model for a magazine. He must be a different kind of Maxim-Something. He tells me that unless I do his job for him, he'll tell the Dook mean things about me. His task is to decipher a text, but it only has four words on it, so it probably won't be too hard. He tells me I should ask people how to decipher it. This means that not only did he not do his job, he doesn't even know how. I talk to a bunch of weirdoes, who for whatever reason, are really short, even compared to Universe-Cloud-Lady, who is practically pocket sized. The people tell me about a guy at a place who can tell me about the thing the other guy asked me to do that time. I go to the place with the guy and the thing the people told me about. The guy says, "He who knows that I know what he seeks to know, knows it well." "What you just said is people know what people know." He spouts some more random nonsense, so I assume he's probably some kind of servant, or animal, or like an understudy. Maybe he's an intern. Nonsense-Guy leads me inside a cave to a guy called the Dragonforged, who must have been even worse at dragon fighting than the Dook, because this guy is all sorts of messed up. It's then that I notice there's stuff just lying EVERYWHERE. He rambles on a bit about pointless stuff, but I was busy helping myself to the loot, and trying to remember where the guide I read said the Recluse's Robe was. As he finishes talking, the only words I heard were like 'dragon', 'bond', and 'arisen' or something. "Uh, y-yeah, that stuff," I say, giving a half-hearted thumbs up and stumbling back out of the cave. Man that was awkward. I head back to the Crapital. I ponder my encounter with Nonsense-Guy and Burnt-Guy as I stroll the country road to the Crapital “We can see the Bluenoob Tower from here,” says Universe-Cloud-Lady. “We’ve never been there. Have you been going to other people’s worlds while I sleep?!” Universe-Cloud-Lady adopts a blank look on her face, and says, “It seems all paths lead to Gran Soren." I'm about to scold her, probably by throwing a box at her, when it suddenly becomes rather dark, considering it's the middle of the day. "What did you do!?" I shout, sure the Universe-Cloud-Lady had done something to mess up the sun. "Griffin, Arisen!" A majestic beast soars down from the heavens, a whirling maelstrom of feathers, death and cowardice representing the union of an eagle and a lion. "Don't worry, Lady, I got this," I say, charging my staff for an attack. You see, a griffin's ability to fly is probably much like a human's ability to walk, if you smack its toes, it won't be able to do that biz anymore. Come to find, a griffin's toes have nothing to do with it's ability to fly, and I am rewarded for my clever thinking with the griffin landing on top of me. "There is no need to be reckless!" You're hilarious, Lady, now kill it. I launch a particularly powerful holy attack, which deals a fair amount of damage. "I'll grab hold of it!" Universe-Cloud-Lady yells, jumping on to the griffins back. Universe-Cloud-Lady is using a set of fiery daggers we picked up in the Crapital. As she attacks it, the griffin obviously realizes how awesome we are, and is noticeably afraid, as it flops about and squawks. It was then that I remembered that griffins run away when they're injured, and I watch in a mixture of horror and hilarity as the griffin and Universe-Cloud-Lady fly off into the distance. I walk the rest of the way to the Crapital alone, pondering my lost pawn. I'm lucky those things are everywhere, otherwise I might have some explaining to do. When I arrive in the Crapital, seeking Maxim-Something-Guy, he rewards me for doing what HE should have done, and you know what he wants me to do next? Go right back to the Shadow Fart... TO BE CONTINUED Category:Blog posts